More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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