I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
