if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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