Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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