i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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