porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
