Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
