I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
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