Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
