my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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