Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
