Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
if i can run in heels then i can drive
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
