I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
