His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
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Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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