I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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