Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
