she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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