So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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