i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
