I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She's not a foreskin expert like you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
