A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Randomize
