Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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