I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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