Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
