I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
