its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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