Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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