it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
