I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Randomize
