Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
