these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I can't put those talents on a resume
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
