My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
