saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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