remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
