life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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