the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
