Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
