Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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