Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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