That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
