just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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