I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
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He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
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No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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