Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
