he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
