dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
