I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
