need another drink. this is the easiest way
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
