Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
