I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You don't make any sense
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