matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
