R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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